d stands for doomed. d stands for depressed. d also stands for dead.

WARNING : A LOT OF OVER INDULGENT SELF-PITY COMING UP AHEAD

sigh.

sat for my first tripos paper today.

how did it go you say?

read the title again, buddy.

IT WAS CRAP.

omg.

you know how i like to exaggerate and say things like i’ve never felt so stupid before, well today, I REALLY have never felt so stupid before.

like a complete idiot.

sigh.

the paper which made me threaten to jump into river cam (before yanhong reminded me that if i jump into river cam on purpose, i will get a 3rd)

=(

its like all i wanted to was to be able to answer every single essay confidently, but the welfare essay choices were so crap!

like i didn’t even understand the question, and how on earth do you expect me to write an essay on smth i don’t even know what i’m supposed to write abt. and even if i did understand the question, i didn’t really COMPLETELY FULLY comprehend that topic, so i couldn’t even write crap properly!

gahhhh!

my econs paper is so gone.

its like i should be studying for my other papers next week, but a part of me just doesn’t bother.

too tired, for one.

and too sien.

ooohhh, and the worst part of this is, as time was dwindling down, and i got so fed up of thinking, i sneeked a glance at this guy sitting near me, and he FINISHED TWENTY PAGES writing his 4 essays. and ASKED FOR MORE paper.

WHAT THE HELL?

i, on the other hand.. only used slightly more than half the book allocated?

gosh, i am such an idiot.

even the essays i thought i could do, i probably didn’t do a very good job.

=(

depressed depressed depressed.

i just can’t move on from the fact that my first paper was so screwed up.

actually, to be honest, i have really no idea how i really did.

but it just feels as though i did really badly.

i don’t know.

sigh.

all sorts of “i should haves” are rushing through my head now, like how i should have studied harder, i should have slept less, i should have spent more time looking at the details, i should have anticipated the worst etc etc.

and the worst part of all this is that, i ‘think’ i did study, i did prepare well, but i come out feeling so crap. makes me so not motivated to study anymore.

gosh.

i guess i should get over this, stop moaning and groaning abt my econs paper and start preparing for the other 3 papers.

law, stats & accounts and THAT land paper.

tell me, how on earth am i going to survive tripos.

if i’m alive on wednesday i’ll let you know, how i survived.

two words :

SO SIEN.

WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THE GLOBAL CARBON MARKET?!?!

OR SUSTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT?! OR PROPERTY RIGHTS?!

for that matter, WHO CARES ABOUT ANOVA TABLES/REGRESSION MODELS/HOUSE OF LORDS REFORMATION/SEPERATION OF POWERS/SLUTKSY EQUATIONS/IS-LM MODELS?!

WHO?WHO?WHO?

…

i think stress makes me emo and grouchy.

so if i’m extra snappy or ‘acting not like the grace you know’, its STRESS.

except, if i’m so stressed, why am blogging and not studying now?

gah.

i jst want it to be the 29th of may already.

exams will be over and DONE with.

oh, exam fairy, where art thou?

die-ded

i can’t do stats for nuts!

and here i thought my little asian brain would be ‘in tune’ with numbers and the sight of smth numerical-ey would send the little people in my brain running around and jumping with excitement.

well, guess what.

the little people hate numbers.

i SUCK at stats.

i spent the WHOLE FREAKING NIGHT solving THREE, yes that’s TIGA questions. which should in fact take me lyk half and hour each.

=(

i feel so stupid, its bad.

my lack of abilities have caused me to jiwang, and i’m starting to wonder if i ever actually deserve to be here. and if i’ll make it through. with my sanity somewhat intact.

all the positive comments by my supervisors and dos feels like such a farce at the moment.

seriously, feel like this huge idiot, who got into cambridge by fluke.

gggaaaaahhhhhhh!!!ahhhhhh!!!!!uuugggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

ok, much better.

oh, btw, i just found out that if you try to kill yourself/kill yourself from being too stressed over tripos, the uni grants you a first?!

what sort of sick place am i in where they actually give students the incentive to kill themselves?!?!

get me out of here!

(preferably with a degree, thank youuuu)

sigh.

ok, i can go this.

i am not an idiot.

my brain works (for most of the time at least) and i can be ready for tripos.

glee.

oh, and thank you to all you who were so encouraging, and ‘calmed me’ down with your words of wisdom and votes of confidence.

appreciated =)

my panic attack has somewhat subdued.

i shall be off to bed, to clear my mind, and hopefully tmr will be a better day.

what with the four hour law revision thingy.

oooh,yeah.

ps : don’t worry, i’m not on the verge of a mental breakdown. i’d like to think i am still maintaining a semblance of normality and am not bordering psychopath =)

as the day looms..

exam in 10 days!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

losing my mind..

sigh.

can we rewind back time by a month?

then i’ll be ready?

=(

panic mode has begun.

i don’t sleep properly, i jump out of bed at 7 smth, cos guilt wakes me up and every other ‘non’ studying thing i do i makes me feel damn guilty.

ugh.

and yet, i don’t seem to be studying well either.

what the hell is wrong with me?

wo bu yao quo gung ke =(

bu yao bu yao bu yao.

*sulks*

anyways, i should be getting back to work.. guilt calls.

i am so not ready for 23rd may.

someone save me.

an exam fairy with the tripos questions would be good.

*throws conffetti*

finish!

habis!

finir!

完了!

terminar!

finitura!

acabar!

финишировать!

ok, enough of that.

*this translations are thanks to igoogle’s latest cool gadget thingy i found! its a language translater! how cool is that??*

anyways, i finished my stats at 0011 7th May. approximately 12 hours before the deadline.

yesss.. i know i ‘wassupposedtofinishityesterdaybutat0300igaveup’

=)

“The regression model with the 16 variables is :

PF = – 15862.3615+ 0.1790D + 8.1942F + 1.4254A + 29.3936GV + 18.0389B +

259.8701Fe + 58.7572P + 494.8102CP -308.1247S -754.8741NI + 422.9553M +

11498.9025HK + 10036.8078NTW + 11189.3324NTE+ 11065.8065KL -

16.0041Age “

a sneak peek into what has been driving me up the wall the last 3 days or so.

interesting, no?

also, random thought of the day, do you ever think abt what might have been?

…. *cough*

anyways, shall go get some much needed sleep. thank goodness i don’t have to pull an all-nighter tonight.

although… i don’t think my regression model was done very well.

i’m starting to doubt that i picked the ‘right’ variables.

and that i read the wrong p-values.

and i screwed up the residual analysis.

!!

ok, breathe.

i still have 12 hours to proof read everything.

(but i want to sleep)

and also, i have to study for my paper 4 mocks..

which is on thursday.

and write the essay on solow’s model, which i langsung tak faham, and it didn’t help that our lecturer didn’t come today, and i have to write the essay due wednesday before being taught!

swell.

and. i. need. to. be. mega. revising.

ok, not a good time to panick now.

must get this stats sorted out.

fact of the day : the correlation between projects and me being emo/pimples pooping up “bagai cendawan selepas hujan” on my face is very high *nods head*