confucious says, you con-fused?

“the law is confused”

to which i reply to dear mr hedley, author of a tort text book, that makes two of us. I AM BLOODY CONFUSED.

ok, maybe not bloody confused. but some what so. after reading and reading i only have some what of a picture of what the duty of care is abt. how the HELL am i going to sit for exams in 2 months i have no idea. and this is like one topic of half a paper, of which i have 5.

*sad, pitiful face*

anyywayyys, you knew i was going to whine and blog abt how sad my life is so here goes =)

exams are coming. again.

everytime i think abt tripos all the rainbows in my head disappear and are replaced with scary dark clouds. and lightning.

it HONESTLY really feels like just not long ago i was sitting for my 1st yr papers. and now, here i am, nearly at the end of 2nd year. so jiwangifying. makes me think about what i have accomplished thorughout the year, how i’ve grown/changed, how i’ve gotten to know people better, how the things happen for a reason, what i’ve learnt – about life, about people, about myself.

it is 2009. i’ll be graduating in a yr or so.

that is just so scary, not knowing what will happen to me after.

oh, oh, OH. today i went to the LIBRARY. yay me! i think libraries are good for me. for one, i actually work, evn if i still have an attention span of a goldfish, i get somethings done. ALSO, since there is nth to eat and i have no coins/too lazy to walk to the vending machine, i don’t eat random rubbish the whole day! as is the case when i stay in my room to work. its scary how you just keep eating to procrastinate. really.

so tmr, its back to the library agn.. more work done hopefully. its been 2 wks of hols already. omg. that is scary. can’t recall how i spent my days, except the first 4 days that was spent in italy travelling with my cell members. italy was awesomee. the sun, the gelato and the random posing. although i don’t think i could look at gelato and pasta for sometime to come..

here are some pics!

a group pic of all that went on top the 97.2 m tower that we CLIMBED.

meisheng, wanlin and i at the posh restaurant diane where we had our one’fine-dining’ dinner!

and here, the millionth time we were eating gelato..

and here with all our random drinks at the jazz bar we went to. <3 vodka + oj =)

trip was really fun. good times, getting to everyone better. also, i have decided to be more intellectual from hence forth. everyone says i’m a bimbo. which is kinda depressing if you ask me.  like totally! ok, i’m kidding. i don’t speak like that in real life. i will now only speak of things that matter, like poverty, the credit crunch and WORLD PEACE! haha.

i just realised how i didn’t blog abt anything i did throughout lent. except steal jing’s blog post. hee. will sometime soon post up loads of pics to attempt to potray how lent has been for me. was a trying term, let’s just put it that way. insane amt of sup work for us poor land economist (mad 6 sups a weeks = 6 essays. can’t believe i actually pulled that off), THAT paper 6 project, snow snow snow, snow fights in between lectures, snow fights in the middle of the night, meeting mahathir, co-producing our AWESOME m’night (which i kinda miss now. no more bugging kenrick and watching random practices..), halfway hall (emos), cny ball (still can’t believe i lost chinese chess to a less-than-sober person!), cumsa ball, relinquishing our cumas’s posts, random cookouts in my room, random shopping trips, humbling experience of internship hunting, being an emotional wreck and yet pretending everything’s okay, growing closer to some and then watch some drift away.

8 weeks. rollercoster indeed.

and i remain confused.

oh do you realise how katy perry’s ‘hot and cold’ song is perfect for the weather these days?

“you’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes (rain) and you’re no”

oh yes, you change your mind like a girl changes clothes alright.

when there’s nth to be done.

..you stop blogging frequently.

notice how since exams ended for me, i have barely touched my blog?

and seriously, when there’s nth to do, you realise how capable you are of doing nth.

i can now sleep for 12 hours a day.

i ACTUALLY take afternoon naps, smth i have not done in a LONG time.

you realise that you are capable of finishing two seasons of a series in 9 days.

you realise that bathing and eating aren’t as fun as you made it out to be during exams.

but sleeping however, that’s a different story.

sleeping is AWESOMEEE.

notice the complete lack of intelligence in this post.

too much sleep and ‘not using my brain’ for too long.

well, tmr is options day, so for once i actually have to go somewhere.

and the day after is department garden party and dos dinner.

and after that its cumas garden party planning all the way!

ok, i actually have proper things to do now, instead of me just sitting arnd doing nth.

but in my doing nth, actually did smth.

i don’t think i made much sense.

anyhoos.

went london to meet up with aimi, the mrs president, and mrs-ey-est person of all.

super fun, good food, good company, awweeesssoommme sights xD

then sometime last week, walked to granchester (a small town near cambridge), seriously we don’t have anything to do. pretty sights, loads of greenery..and cool looking houses.

and, other than that, just general lepaking with people who are done with exams.

dodgy fried chicken eating with jings, being wei yang’s curry laksa guinea pigs, watching euro 2008.

my life really is rather boring at the moment.

my biggest problem is whether or not i should sleep 13 hours as opposed to the 12 i am currently getting.

ooh, excitement!

haha. i’m kidding,la.

i suppose i’ve got to sort out garden party stuff, and sort of decide my options for next year.

sigh..

really don’t know what papers to take.

but oh well, i don’t have to decide anytime soon.

and, ooh. exam results out on the 19th.

i’ll probly be hiding it out in my room. wouldn’t dare to face anyone.

like. for real?

walking back from my paper at 3.30pm.

i told myself, “quick, don’t get distracted by the shops arnd. need to go back to my room and mug!”

and then it dawned upon me.

EXAMS ARE OVER!

omg.

i feel a bit lost.

like i don’t know what to do with my time.

ah wells.

tmr is my bday (making a public declaration, i’m too tired, i have no filter system right now, so i’m going to be damn muka tembok xD).

but everyone is still having exams.

i guess i shall be celebrating the start of the 20th year of my life with my trustee bed.

oh, and the fellow land economist!

who are ALL FREE!

wee.

anyways, no time to be long winded now, heading of to bella italia’s for a land economy dinner thing.

then its back to my room to work.

oh yes you read right.

i need to work, and clean my pig sty of a room up.

sigh.

depressing.

balancing balance sheets.

woohoo!

i’m so happy that i managed to balance my balance sheets/trial balance and match that with my profit-loss account!

haha.

actually, this is nth to be proud of because in reality, balance sheets should balance all the time.

its just that i suck at balancing balance sheets, and this is THE FIRST time i’ve done so without any help!

yay!

was so happy that my balance sheets balanced (love saying that), that i was smiling the whole way through my 3 hour long accounting and data evaluation paper.

people arnd me must have thought i was nuts.

ooh well.

so now, i’ve done TWO papers, got accounting and stats out of the way (which, was my biggest fear, told you the little ppl don’t like numbers! and i know i have let down the whole asian race. and for that, i am truly sorry. but me and numbers don’t go. how ironic it is that my mum is a math teacher, and my math skills are limited to converting pounds into ringgit. whichdoesn’treallyhappenalotnowbutmovingon..)

tmr its consti.

hopefully it’ll be fine.

i just got to mug, mug, MUG and memorize the cases.

and of course the ‘points’.

anyways, the weather today is funny.

its so windy, and cold.

like. almost winter cold.

had to dig out my winter coat agn.

global warming i tell you.

the weather is more unpredictable then a pms-ey girl’s moodswings.

seriously.

oh, and i just realised how much of a pig sty my room is right now.

i shall spare the details and graphic pictures of how clothes are strewn arnd and the floor littered with books and files. random cups and empty bottles all over the place and my shoes crowding the entrance because i am “too busy” to put them back on the shoe rack.

=)

so much for sparing the details huh?

oohkayys, i shall get back to my bed and my consti notes.

my head feels to heavy, i can’t sit upright and study.

uhuh.

its true.

*nods solemnly*

fine, i’m just lazy.

i lyk lying down.

how i wish i could lie down, sleep and not have to wake up until i really can’t sleep anymore.

guess that’s not going to happen in the next two days!

so, here’s to the final half of my exams!

(and to sleeping in the next few days after! XD)

over and done with?

i think i’ve got yesterday’s paper out of my system.

finally.

it ONLY took an hr or sobbing/talking to my mum.

and then a 2hr rehab session with jing ting.

and 10 hrs of sleep.

o_O

now, i think that whole ‘minor meltdown’ was just stress catching up on me.

and i took it out on my econs paper.

hee.

anyways, here’s to a nice, good, productive, self-pityless day of studying.

i’m inspired after ji told me she has been studying from 7.30 am to 11 pm everyday at the lse library..

….for 10 weeks. lyk day in day out.

scarryyy.

i feel lyk such a slacker.

=(

btw, there’s this annoying little boy/girl outside my window – or well, who keeps running pass my window every 5 seconds!

ok, i exaggerate, but its the FIFTH time this morning i’ve heard him/her running down the slope outside my window screaming “wooooo!!!” and then some random chatter.

its JUST a TINY cement hill FOR GOODNESS SAKES.

go ROLL down castle hill,la.

d stands for doomed. d stands for depressed. d also stands for dead.

WARNING : A LOT OF OVER INDULGENT SELF-PITY COMING UP AHEAD

sigh.

sat for my first tripos paper today.

how did it go you say?

read the title again, buddy.

IT WAS CRAP.

omg.

you know how i like to exaggerate and say things like i’ve never felt so stupid before, well today, I REALLY have never felt so stupid before.

like a complete idiot.

sigh.

the paper which made me threaten to jump into river cam (before yanhong reminded me that if i jump into river cam on purpose, i will get a 3rd)

=(

its like all i wanted to was to be able to answer every single essay confidently, but the welfare essay choices were so crap!

like i didn’t even understand the question, and how on earth do you expect me to write an essay on smth i don’t even know what i’m supposed to write abt. and even if i did understand the question, i didn’t really COMPLETELY FULLY comprehend that topic, so i couldn’t even write crap properly!

gahhhh!

my econs paper is so gone.

its like i should be studying for my other papers next week, but a part of me just doesn’t bother.

too tired, for one.

and too sien.

ooohhh, and the worst part of this is, as time was dwindling down, and i got so fed up of thinking, i sneeked a glance at this guy sitting near me, and he FINISHED TWENTY PAGES writing his 4 essays. and ASKED FOR MORE paper.

WHAT THE HELL?

i, on the other hand.. only used slightly more than half the book allocated?

gosh, i am such an idiot.

even the essays i thought i could do, i probably didn’t do a very good job.

=(

depressed depressed depressed.

i just can’t move on from the fact that my first paper was so screwed up.

actually, to be honest, i have really no idea how i really did.

but it just feels as though i did really badly.

i don’t know.

sigh.

all sorts of “i should haves” are rushing through my head now, like how i should have studied harder, i should have slept less, i should have spent more time looking at the details, i should have anticipated the worst etc etc.

and the worst part of all this is that, i ‘think’ i did study, i did prepare well, but i come out feeling so crap. makes me so not motivated to study anymore.

gosh.

i guess i should get over this, stop moaning and groaning abt my econs paper and start preparing for the other 3 papers.

law, stats & accounts and THAT land paper.

tell me, how on earth am i going to survive tripos.

if i’m alive on wednesday i’ll let you know, how i survived.

because i don’t want to work.

i want to procrastinate.

so let me.

also my brain is disintegrating as we speak, too much accounting in one day.

i swear, trial balances are a pain in the ass.

grr.

i spent the whole night doing two question. and my brain is wayyy fried.

so i started doing what i do best, go online and do random stuff.

then, it dawned upon me that tmr is THE BIG DAY!

no, not my exams, i’ll be super freaking out if exams were tmr.

its the champions league final : THE champions vs Chelsea (pfft..)

here’s a nice poster which SCREAMS CHAMPIONS. i mean, like literally.

and here is THE MAN to lead us to our second trophy of the season.

champions of champions,mannn.

i’m super sad, cos i can’t watch the match (i suppose soccernet will have to suffice), on the account that it’ll be ACADEMIC SUICIDE for me to go watch football, two days before doomsday.

speaking of which, i have adopted a come what may attitude now.

i -honestly- can’t be bothered anymore and just want to not have to study anymore!

like whatever! who cares about tripos! not me!

(okay, i lied, i still care abt my exams, and will, despite how much i long to not to, go and study)

i hate that i’m so logical.

=(

btw, listening to nonsensical songs like ‘low’ by flo rida,  ‘4 minutes’ by madonna/justin timberlake/timberland and angry rocker chick songs like – ‘runaway’ by avril lavinge, ‘when it all falls apart’ by the veronicas seems to aid the process and pain of doing nonsensical, wait, i mean, EXTREMELY EXCITING and COMPLETELY RELEVANT work. uhuh.

oh, and despite my best intentions, i HAD to watch the latest gossip girl episode.

so sad, dan and serena broke up!

heart broken!

and in a twisted way, i kinda like chuck and blair together.

wait, why am i watching gossip girl?

i’m suppose to be ‘intelligent-cambridge-student’ not ‘avid-bimbo-show-watcher’.

i guess a year in uni didn’t actually change my intellectual levels.

i’ll take cleo over the economist any day!

(and also e! over bloomberg, thank yoouuu)

now, this un-intellectual girl is going to put on her intellectual face, pretend to be smart, and do past year tripos questions.

yeaps. enough bumming arnd, time to get back to my lovely and uber inspiring work (yes, i’m still trying the whole positive re-enforcement thing on myself)

you know you love me

XOXO (ala THE gossip girl)

(i figured if i can’t act smart, i might as well act stupid)

die-ded

i can’t do stats for nuts!

and here i thought my little asian brain would be ‘in tune’ with numbers and the sight of smth numerical-ey would send the little people in my brain running around and jumping with excitement.

well, guess what.

the little people hate numbers.

i SUCK at stats.

i spent the WHOLE FREAKING NIGHT solving THREE, yes that’s TIGA questions. which should in fact take me lyk half and hour each.

=(

i feel so stupid, its bad.

my lack of abilities have caused me to jiwang, and i’m starting to wonder if i ever actually deserve to be here. and if i’ll make it through. with my sanity somewhat intact.

all the positive comments by my supervisors and dos feels like such a farce at the moment.

seriously, feel like this huge idiot, who got into cambridge by fluke.

gggaaaaahhhhhhh!!!ahhhhhh!!!!!uuugggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

ok, much better.

oh, btw, i just found out that if you try to kill yourself/kill yourself from being too stressed over tripos, the uni grants you a first?!

what sort of sick place am i in where they actually give students the incentive to kill themselves?!?!

get me out of here!

(preferably with a degree, thank youuuu)

sigh.

ok, i can go this.

i am not an idiot.

my brain works (for most of the time at least) and i can be ready for tripos.

glee.

oh, and thank you to all you who were so encouraging, and ‘calmed me’ down with your words of wisdom and votes of confidence.

appreciated =)

my panic attack has somewhat subdued.

i shall be off to bed, to clear my mind, and hopefully tmr will be a better day.

what with the four hour law revision thingy.

oooh,yeah.

ps : don’t worry, i’m not on the verge of a mental breakdown. i’d like to think i am still maintaining a semblance of normality and am not bordering psychopath =)

as the day looms..

exam in 10 days!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

losing my mind..

sigh.

can we rewind back time by a month?

then i’ll be ready?

=(

panic mode has begun.

i don’t sleep properly, i jump out of bed at 7 smth, cos guilt wakes me up and every other ‘non’ studying thing i do i makes me feel damn guilty.

ugh.

and yet, i don’t seem to be studying well either.

what the hell is wrong with me?

wo bu yao quo gung ke =(

bu yao bu yao bu yao.

*sulks*

anyways, i should be getting back to work.. guilt calls.

i am so not ready for 23rd may.

someone save me.

an exam fairy with the tripos questions would be good.

oh, golly. it’s may!

oh, yes.

its already may.

*deep, deep breath*

idon’twantittobemay!

22 days and counting to tripos.

*faints*

yes, i know this is random.